Love and hugs!
I have stalled on this and decided to share it in a safe space; Here.
For others to read and maybe relate too and share feedback. Good, bad, ugly, whatever, in some way, I fear we have all been affected by addiction.
I owe you an apology.
I haven’t been a good friend lately.
There’s an “elephant in the room” and it’s a delicate topic.
Sometimes words can be harsh, which in the past have ruined relationships.
I have remained silent and pouted which isn’t my style. I was accused of playing favorites and making excuses for you. Turns out, I was protecting you as well as myself. Not my proudest moment. We have had our share of roadblocks and I fear now we are simply avoiding each other altogether.
I haven’t been the best support system for you because I didn’t agree with it. I feel like you are hiding and looking for a quick fix rather than deal with the issue. I needed to support you better and I let my personal feelings interfere. This battle is something you have to fight every hour of every day, not me. Addiction isn’t something that goes away. It’s all consuming and damaging. It requires constant attention.
I hate it.
But I hate even more is…
– that you don’t see that you have a drinking problem.
– the excuses you make because of it.
– how embarrassing it is to hang out with you because you can’t be trusted to not drink
– that you let it take priority over your friends, children & marriage.
– How your drinking has resulted in injuries to yourself and others.
– how you couldn’t remember how you got hurt.
– that you let it affect your job and lied about it.
– that you let it affect our friendship.
– how when I brought it to your attention – you shut me out!
That last one upsets me most.
A real friend calls us out on our crap. You have with me but I feel that when I offered the same, it wasn’t received as well. It made me aware of the value of our friendship maybe wasn’t as important to you as it was to me. It’s annoying being friends through that. I stopped being a doormat years ago and am in no hurry to become one again.
So much has changed and our friendship has suffered.
We aren’t entitled to anything other than what we wake up to each day. That is to be a better version of the person we were the day before. To be grateful for the new day given to us. Everything else is a gift, there are no guarantees.
I have watched people I love take the road of addiction over everything else and not been able to help them because only they can decide that. No one can force someone to change unless that person wants too. What I can do is walk away because its better than watching you behave this way. Which in time one would think would get easier but really, its still hard and it really, really sucks.
All that said, I still love you.
Do you remember your first apartment?
Think about the decor, the size, the layout.
Did you have a roommate or live alone?
Was the apartment on the first level or higher up?
Remember the excitement you had that lead up to the day you got to MOVE out of your parents house and into your own place?
How are old were you?
How far away did you move? Was it across town or in another state or even out of the country?
Can you see it again?
I watched my daughter pick out a shower curtain for her new apartment this weekend. She walked up and down the aisle at Target looking at the options and avoiding one side as they were more than a shower curtain should be allowed to be.
I watched her take pictures of the ones she liked and sent them to her roommate aka the boyfriend. She asked for my input and I suggested maybe not getting something too “girly” otherwise her choices were all pretty awesome. We continued the journey through Target (which is dangerous) while we waited for the boyfriend to confirm his opinion.
It was a very surreal moment for this mama. Schools are starting in the surrounding districts this week which is CRAZY, however, my amazing hubby and I are breathing a sigh of relief that that stage is now over for us and the next chapter has begun. While college kids are heading out the door to begin their next chapter, our baby girl decided she wants to go conquer the world a little bit and discover who she is.
Starting with a shower curtain.
Love and hugs!